


An "Elite" Team

by Adventures_in_Writing, AgentBuzzkill, beacandy, radvsblue



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Medieval, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-11
Packaged: 2018-03-01 01:11:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2754002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adventures_in_Writing/pseuds/Adventures_in_Writing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill, https://archiveofourown.org/users/beacandy/pseuds/beacandy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/radvsblue/pseuds/radvsblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When there's a threat against the blue kingdom, they need an elite team of wizards and soldiers to protect their king. Unfortunately, he best they can manage is Caboose and Tucker."</p><p>A Genre Blend of Medieval Fantasy and Buddy Cop for Main Round 1 of the Red Vs. Blue Shipping Jamboree. Writing is by Beacandy, art is by Rad, and all of the co-authors helped with brainstorming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An "Elite" Team

“Hey, Sir Victor.”  
  
At the voice, Sir Victor looked up at the spirit advocate and grinned. “Cool seeing you, Church! What’s going on? What’s the sitch? That’s, uh, that’s short for situation. What’s the down-low? Gimme the word. Bird’s the word, but, you know, give me your word. Give me some deets. Short for details.”  
  
Before he could say anything else, Church decided to interrupt him. “Okay, stop talking,” he said, “You’re giving me a headache. And, you know, given my state, that shouldn’t even be possible. I mean, I don’t have a real head! I’m a spirit!”  
  
Sir Victor nodded vigorously. “Right. My bad. I’ll cool it. Cool it down. Take it slower. Quit the jibber-jab-”  
  
“God, it’s like you’re actively trying to piss me off,” Church interrupted again, rubbing his temples, even if, without a physical body, the action would not actually soothe him. “Do you wanna know what the gathering found out, or not?”  
  
Victor quietly said, “Sure. Tell me the biz.”  
  
Surprised and pleased that he was done talking, Church finally said, “The Red Kingdom is planning something. Jury’s still out on how serious it is, but D - he’s my second-in-command - senses it’s got something to do with your king.”  
  
“King Flowers! The head honcho! Ooh, that sounds bad. Pretty bad.”  
  
Church nodded. “Yeah, no kidding. Pretty sure their plan isn’t, I dunno, sending him a present or something.”  
  
“Well, what do we do? Do we make a speech? Do we call for backup? Do we move the king?”  
  
“If I were you, I’d try to keep this low. Panic won’t do anybody any good.” Church shrugged, nonchalant. “You should probably just ramp up security, send a competent team to guard the king. Not sure if the reds are planning a magic attack or a physical one, so it’d better have at least one knight and at least one wizard.”  
  
Victor almost relaxed before he realized something and said, “But all the real knights are scouting out new territory! And all the powerful wizards are at a conference!”  
  
Church stared at him. “What, so you’ve got like no defense plan in place at all?”  
  
Vic sheepishly half-shrugged.  
  
Church rolled his eyes, annoyed. “Whatever. This isn’t really my problem. Just find somebody. I’m sure that as long as you’ve got one knight and one wizard, they’ll manage.”  
  
-  
  
“You. Have got. To be kidding me.”  
  
Church knew he said ‘somebody,’ but surely there was somebody else. Anybody else. Anybody but these two.  
  
Caboose looked like his eyes were swimming with stars as he looked up. “Church! Oh, I am glad to see you again!”  
  
Tucker, meanwhile, half-waved. “Hey, Church. Or, wait, it’s Alpha, right?”  
  
Church shook his head a bit. “It’s Epsilon, now. Don’t ask.”  
  
Tucker laughed a bit. “Wasn’t going to, don’t care.”  
  
Church just looked at them. “I don’t suppose there’s a knight and a wizard behind you two, is there?”  
  
“No,” Caboose said confidently, missing the rhetorical nature of the question. “Wait, look, there is! He’s lying on the floor. He’s kinda grey colored. He’s more a silhouette than a real wizard.”  
  
Church looked at Caboose, who was trying to leer at his own shadow, before sighing and saying, “Okay. Vic told you the deal, right?”  
  
“Yeah,” Tucker said.  
  
“Caboose, do you know the deal?” Church said, warily.  
  
Caboose looked up from his shadow. “Deal! No, wait, no deal! Can I have a lifeline?”  
  
“God,” Church said. Could spirits die? Because he was about ready to kill himself.  
  
Tucker scowled. “Caboose! You were there when Vic explained what was going on.”  
  
Caboose formed his mouth into an ‘o’ before saying, “The reds want to give King Flowers a present, and we have to make sure it stays a surprise.”  
  
Tucker just shook his head. “Look, I’m sure, whatever’s going on, I can handle it. I mean, I’ve got my cool sword, right?”  
  
Church didn’t seem even slightly reassured. “Yeah, and you’ve also got no idea how to use it. Honestly, if I was gonna pick a last hope for my kingdom, neither of you would be on my top ten list.” He paused a moment. “Or my top fifty list.”  
  
Caboose nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, you’re right. I don’t like lists. They make it hard to understand people when they talk. They’re one of the worst speech impediments ever.”  
  
Tucker and Church both stared at him. “You’re thinking of lisps.”  
  
Caboose’s eyes widened in fear. “Oh my god! Tucker! You have a list now too!”  
  
Church growled in frustration. “Can you two stop talking about pointless things for one second?”  
  
Silence.  
  
Church glared at them. “You shouldn’t have to think before answering that.”  
  
They were still silent. Church looked at the ground in defeat. “Why couldn’t I be the spirit advocate of the Red Kingdom?”  
  
-  
  
“What are the reds doing?” Caboose asked, innocently, as Tucker looked through the periscope.  
  
“Stop,” Tucker said, his voice flat.  
  
“What?” Caboose asked.  
  
Tucker put the periscope down and said, with a deliberate voice, “If I see anything, I’ll tell you. If I’m not saying anything, they’re not doing anything.” He put his eye back up to the periscope.  
  
“Are you sure you’re using that thing right?” Caboose asked, after a pause.  
  
“And you’re somehow an expert?” Tucker asked, his annoyance shifting to anger.  
  
Caboose seemed unaware of the tone-change and said, “Well, you just don’t really use a periscope that often.”  
  
Tucker was silent. Caboose apparently mistook his silence for a prompt for clarification. “Since you’re not a soldier,” he added helpfully.  
  
“Yeah, I got that,” Tucker said, tightly.  
  
Actually, Tucker didn’t have a visual on anything, reds or otherwise. The periscope was really confusing. But he wasn’t about to admit that, especially not to Caboose.  
  
“What I don’t get is why Vic called you,” Tucker said.  
  
Caboose didn’t seem to pick up on the contempt. “He said they needed a wizard, for if the reds send their present with magic.”  
  
“But you can barely use your magic!” Tucker said, ignoring the ‘present’ part of the remark.  
  
“Nuh-uh! Watch this!” Caboose waved his arms around, with no apparent effect.  
  
“Uh, watch what?” Tucker said, looking around for something, however small.  
  
Caboose glared. “The wind. I just made it change.”  
  
The wind had changed direction. Tucker just looked at him. “No. The wind just changed. It happens”  
  
Caboose started to “No! It was me! I think you’re just jealous!”  
  
“Jealous? Why would I be jealous of you fake wind powers?”  
  
“Uh, because, since I’m a wizard, I get to be connected to the spirit world and Church, but you don’t.”  
  
Tucker shook his head. “Okay, first off, I would not be jealous. I don’t have some creepy obsession with being Church’s best friend like you do. And even if I did, I know for a fact that the wizards don’t invite you to commune with the spirits anymore.”  
  
“They just haven’t done spirit things for a while.” Caboose looked hurt enough that Tucker was almost sorry.  
  
Almost. “No, they still do it,” Tucker said, “You’re just stupid.”  
  
Caboose started to get angry, raising his hands above his head in erratic gestures. “You are stupid. And a liar, so that’s two bad things to be that you are.”  
  
Tucker finally dropped his smug look as he looked around frantically. “Calm down! We’re supposed to be on the down-low. They’ve got spies in neutral space, they probably know where we are now.”  
  
“Maybe if they know we’re here, they’ll head back?” Caboose said hopefully.  
  
“Yeah, right,” Tucker said, “The red kingdom isn’t like us. They have real soldiers.”  
  
-  
  
Across the canyon, a distance away that a (properly used) periscope would be able to see, a man in maroon armor looked up at the sky. “Man, the wind is really shifting a lot.”  
  
The orange-armored man next to him looked around. “What if they spotted us? And this is their wizards preparing a storm?” His voice wavered as he said, “Maybe we should head back.”  
  
The maroon one looked at him as if he had two heads. “We can’t head back now! I’m a soldier. King Sarge is counting on us to succeed at this job!”  
  
“Well I’m not a soldier!” the orange one said. “I’m not even from Red Kingdom! I’m just a war prisoner from some other country who’s supposed to be the king’s jester.”  
  
The maroon one nodded in acknowledgement and shrugged. “Maybe if you succeed, he’ll let you be in the army instead of being a jester?”  
  
The orange one just rolled his eyes. “Why couldn’t I have been kidnapped by the Blue Kingdom like Sister? At least she doesn’t have to deal with this kind of bullshit.”  
  
-  
  
Caboose and Tucker stood in front of the door, until Caboose broke the silence, suddenly. “Did you see that?”  
  
“See what?” Tucker said, his eyes darting around.  
  
Caboose pointed to a bush in the distance. “Over there. It looked kind of like Church. Except orange.”  
  
Tucker stared at him incredulously for a moment before shaking his head and turning away. “Oh, no. We are not leaving our post because you hallucinated and saw ‘your best friend.’ We have to keep people away from the king. The king! Kind of a big deal!”  
  
Caboose frowned. “It could be one of Church’s spirits with some info. I’ll go talk to him.” With that, he ran off.  
  
Tucker thought about chasing him before shaking his head in annoyance. “Whatever. I can handle this on my own. Just me and my trusty-” he felt at his sheath, only to find his sword missing. He looked and say something glowing slightly in Caboose’s hand.  
  
“CABOOSE!”  
  
-  
  
A soldier in white armor, Maine, waited on the other side of the tower. Sigma was late. The plan was supposed to start tonight. It was simple. Maine would allow Sigma to inhabit his body and, in return, Maine would have the ability to speak again. It seemed like a fair trade, even if Maine didn’t know what a spirit would want with a human body.  
  
-  
  
As he chased the weird orange Church, Caboose noticed Tucker running after him. “Caboose! Get back here! I need that sword!”  
  
“Get your own sword!” Caboose yelled petulantly.  
  
“That is my own sword!” Tucker said angrily.  
  
“Oh,” Caboose said. He had forgotten that detail. He shook his head to clear it and yelled back, “But I need it in case orange Church is a bad guy!”  
  
Tucker rolled his eyes, continuing in his chase. “Come on, what are the odds of that?! If he’s a spirit, he’s on Church’s team.”  
  
Ahead of them, Sigma frowned. He hadn’t bothered to sneak because Church had said there were no competent soldiers in town. But these two had spotted him. He was already late, and the sooner he got to inhabit Maine, the sooner he could start his plan.  
  
-  
  
Maine frowned, looking at the position of the moon irritably. Actually, now that he had some extra time to think about it, the trade was starting to sound a bit sketchy. What exactly does it mean to inhabit a body? What use would that be to Sigma?  
  
Sigma approached the wall, glad to finally have the fake soldiers off of his tail. He looked around. Nobody was there to see.  
  
Actually, nobody was there at all. Not even Maine. He looked more closely at the wall and noticed a note.  
  
The deal is off. -Maine  
  
He scowled and his energy burned the note into ashes.  
  
-  
  
Caboose, out of breath, looked ahead of him, surprised to see that the orange Church was entirely absent. “He. He was just here.”  
  
“Oh my god,” Tucker said behind him, “Don’t tell me this is what you saw.”  
  
Caboose looked and saw that, in front of Tucker, there was a monarch butterfly fluttering around. But that wasn’t what he saw. That didn’t look anything like Church. “I-”  
  
Tucker just shook his head. “Unbelievable,” he said, grabbing Caboose’s hand and dragging him back to the door. “Let’s just get back to our post, okay? And give me back my sword.”  
  
Caboose gave the sword up without a fight. “Okay. It doesn’t work, anyway,” he mumbled.  
  
“What are you talking about? Of course it works. How can a sword not work?”  
  
Caboose prepared to answer, but was distracted by what he saw at the post. “Uh-oh.”  
  
Tucker rolled his eyes. “What do you mean-?” he looked up and abruptly stopped talking.  
  
The door was open.  
  
“Uh-oh,” Tucker said.  
  
Both Tucker and Caboose forgot their annoyance, forgot anything besides getting up those fucking stairs before anything happened. Had something happened already? Were they too late?  
  
Tucker breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the two red army soldiers in the hallway. “Red Kingdom scum! Prepare to-” he stopped. They didn’t seem to have any weapons. And neither of them looked like they were trying to use magic. In fact, all he could see was…a bouquet?  
  
“What are you doing?” he asked, dumbfounded.  
  
The taller one, in the maroon armor casually shrugged. “Oh. It’s all part of our king’s plan,” he said in a gloating voice. “See, we’re giving the Blue King this bouquet of blue flowers.”  
  
Tucker just stared between the two of them. They both looked at him “Why?”  
  
“Uh, cause blue is a color of insult?” the shorter one said as if it was the most obvious fact in the world“We’re provoking your king into attacking so we can corner you.”  
  
“Blue is not a color of insult! It’s a complimentary color.”  
  
Simmons: “No, red’s for compliments!”  
  
Tucker: “Red is the one that’s supposed to be insulting!”  
  
Simmons: “Look, we’re giving this bouquet to your king right now. Any questions?”  
  
Caboose raised his hand excitedly, as if he was in a classroom. Simmons wearily gestured toward him, rolling his eyes.  
  
Caboose immediately turned to the shorter man. “If you’re with the Red Kingdom, why is your armor yellow?”  
  
The man scowled in response. Apparently, Caboose had inadvertently hit a sore spot. “It’s orange!” he yelled.  
  
While he was fuming, Tucker retrieved his sword and slashed at the distracted yellow-armored man.  
  
“Grif!” the maroon one yelled, alarmed.  
  
“I’m out!” Grif said, running down the stairs without even a moment of hesitation.  
  
Caboose took the maroon one’s distraction as a chance to move his arms around and push Simmons out with a gust of wind.  
  
The two of them stood, breathing heavily for a few moments, before Tucker turned to Caboose excitedly. “Dude, that was awesome! Did you see his face? Nice!”  
  
Neither of them noticed that the commotion had caused King Flowers to come outside until they heard his familiarly deep voice say, “A little late for this, isn’t it?”  
  
“Your Majesty!” Tucker said, panicked.  
  
“What’s this?” the king said, kneeling down and picking up the bouquet.  
  
Caboose, unaware of Tucker’s panic, grinned. “They’re a present from the Red Kingdom!”  
  
The king looked surprised as he smiled gently. “Blue flowers? From King Sarge? Oh, how thoughtful.”  
  
Tucker cleared his throat. “Actually-”  
  
“And you two made sure they got to me safely?” the king asked, still smiling.  
  
Tucker thought about clarifying the situation. Instead, he just said, “Kind of?”  
  
-  
  
Tucker’s eyes were wide. “I get to be a real soldier?”  
  
Caboose, meanwhile, had his hands pressed up against his cheeks in awe. “I get to learn more magic things?”  
  
Church looked more bewildered than anything as he nodded. “Don’t thank me, though. It’s all because of King Flowers. He gave you two glowing reviews for your service.”  
  
“Awesome,” Tucker said. He was going to be a soldier. A real soldier.  
  
“There is one condition, though,” Church said.  
  
“What’s that?” Tucker asked, unconcerned. He couldn’t think of anything that could possibly ruin this moment, even if Church looked like he was about to burst into laughter.  
  
Church shrugged and said, “You two travel together on all your missions.”  
  
“What?!” both Tucker and Caboose said in unison.  
  
Church couldn’t push the amusement out of his voice as he said, “Apparently, you two make such a good team, he doesn’t want you working separately.”  
  
They were both silently stunned.  
  
“Well,” Church said, “I’ll leave you two alone. You’ll have to get used to being together.”  
  
Tucker just stared ahead, unmoving, even as Church left the room.  
  
Caboose took the time to calm down and looked at Tucker with a playful smile. “You know what, Tucker? I think this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship.”  
  
Tucker just kept on staring ahead. “This can’t be happening. This cannot be happening.”


End file.
